A sideways look at economics
I’m tired of people telling me that they are 4D chess players when they do something foolish. 4D chess is for losers. 4D poker is for winners. As a 4D poker player myself – the best at poker – I explain how to play. Politicians, take note.
Have only vague familiarity with the rules. I know that having more high cards, more things in a row and more of the same suit is good, but I am too busy and important to constantly worry about details. Five cards of the same suit, but not in a sequence, is a flush. Yawn. That isn’t as good as a full house, which is three of a kind and a pair. Who wants to remember all that? The best thing to do is ask your opponents the rules as cards get dealt. It achieves three goals: it throws them off their game, it makes them underestimate you and it is annoying.
Do crazy things and tell everybody about it proudly. The best thing you can do in poker is to be unpredictable. And the best way to do that is to reveal a strategy that your opponents cannot understand. The crazier your strategy, the more you need to tell everybody about it. They are playing in 2D. You are playing in 4D. Your opponents will be so obsessed by you not playing by their rules that it will throw them off their game and they will have no clue how to play you. Admittedly, this only works when you win. If you release a mini budget that everybody told you not to and it tanks the markets like everybody said it would, you are a 1D player.
Be brave — and if it doesn’t work, appoint an ‘independent’ observer. You need to have guts. When you smell an opportunity, go for it, with everything. If you lose, which you won’t, you could always appoint an ‘independent’ observer who will verify that you won not only the hand but also 97.38% of the vote in the recent election. Never mind if the markets tank, they are 2D. You are 4D.
Release a calendar with you, bare-chested, riding a horse and fishing. This needs to be in some remote region with lots of trees and rivers. No other man should be in sight in case he has a bigger chest. But make sure you have a very large, armed entourage, because wildlife can be dangerous in these parts. Don’t take any chances. If a duck, never mind a bear, so much as even looks at you, tell them to shoot it.
Take a chainsaw to your poker game, and to meetings with the finance minister. There is no harm in taking a chainsaw to a poker game. It’s not like this would intimidate anybody. Similarly, if working in politics, you may as well take one when you meet the finance minister. You won’t actually need to use the chainsaw, unless the minister hands you a bill to raise taxes or cut spending. If you want to be extra cool, you can wear aviators and turn up to these meetings on a motorbike and pretend to be Yanis Varoufakis, or the Terminator.
Raise taxes to spur growth. If no chainsaw is handy and cutting taxes isn’t your thing, you could always raise taxes to spur growth. Businesses like nothing more than paying more taxes. And since these are the institutions that employ people, invest and make the economy go round, a sure way to get them to promote your agenda is to treat them like a cash cow.
Appoint your brother as the dealer and your son-in-law as central bank governor. Family values are important. What better way to show this than to appoint your brother as the dealer at poker and your son-in-law as the central bank governor? If you are worried about inflation being too high, you can inspire the market’s confidence by appointing your son-in-law and forcing him to cut interest rates. There is no better way to bring down inflation and bond yields or to stabilise your currency. Economists are 2D players. You are a 4D player.
Be gushing with praise but throw anyone under the bus as soon as they get in your way. The best approach in life is to be like Roberto Martinez, the manager of the Portugal men’s football team. Everybody loves this guy, and his positivity. Even when you support one of the teams he manages and they lose every week, it is impossible to dislike him. Being nice means people let you in, which gives you the opportunity to strike. For example, you could welcome the left into your coalition and when they agree, tell them you were kidding and appoint Michel Barnier.
Stay humble. You may be the best in the world. But there is no need to brag about it. For example, everybody knows that I am the best at poker. It’s not like I need to write a blog post explaining why I am so great. Humility is the key to success.
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